he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We just shotgunned beers for America
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
