Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
3 2 1 whiskey
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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