Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Damn victory sex feels great
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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