My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
