My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
