One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
