If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
