apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
