I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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