You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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