Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
