I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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