DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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