New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's just like the Real World with babies
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
