she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
