Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this boner is exhausting
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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