Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
