I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
