Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
