My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
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sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.