Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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