um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
