I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
