I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
