Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
