Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have demons in me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
