I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
