I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
