Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
