does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
