my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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