Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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