I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
