good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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