I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
how do you play pong handcuffed?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
