dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Randomize
