i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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