I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT