just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
