Do you still have your period?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
