i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
