also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
babies were throwing up all over the place
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
operation have a gay friend backfired
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
