I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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