This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
