Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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