I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
