shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
