There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
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I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize