my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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