Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
