Just fell off a train. Bad.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
