so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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