someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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