I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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